So here you are, scratching your head, and wondering why we’ve got two front runners who, in the US history of political polling, have never been so disliked. It’s as if we all woke up and every day is now “Wear your pajamas upside down backwards and inside out while walking your llama to work on stilts day.” What happened to the good old days when the idea was to find honest, competent and likable people for these positions? Can’t we find someone who hasn’t used the White House as a fund-raising B&B and then tried to run off with the furnishings? Can’t we find someone couth without mob ties who has a reputation for paying his contractors?
I’ll tell you what. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass these past two days for not running yet. You could have been my running mate, yes, YOU, and we could have a great time making this happen. And we could win because we are truly likable people. You might be unsure about your likability factor based on what people wrote in your high school yearbook, but compared to these two? Yes, you are likable. People love you. Think of it. Us. Together. FOR AMERICA!
So I’ve got a platform. Actually, it’s not so much of a platform as it is an extremely wide plank that pretty much fixes everything. I’m calling it the “Top Predator” policy. Now, I hesitate to call it “Top Predator” because anything “top” smacks of Trumpiness, and “predator” is totally Hillary, but this is really a biological term, and since this is kind of a biological thing that predates Trump, like “America First,” it’s still appropriate. Here’s how it works. We reintroduce top predators, like the ones that used to roam North America, back into the ecosystems. If we do this, we’ll fix all of America’s problems. Lower your Eyebrow of Disbelief and please hear me out.
– Obesity costs more than $147 billion annually, according to the Centers for Disease Control. We all know people can’t outrun panthers. However, you don’t have to outrun it, you only have to outrun the guy behind you and the panther will eat him. Many folks will figure out that it’s “slim down or die” and we’ll have about a $1 bazillion over 10 years for bridges and roads.
– Drug abuse costs more than $193 billion annually, according to the National Drug Intelligence Center. Given that place, wherever it is, sounds like a redundant oxymoron, I’m cutting that into about half, at $100 billion. Once again, dope dealers are not going to be standing around vacant lots selling drugs if they’re going to get devoured. Junkies will think twice about psychotripping to Tralfamador if they’re going to be the equivalent of Purina Wolf Chow. Smugglers are going to think twice about moving square groupers from a submarine to a speedboat if they see snarling sharks frothing the water just over the gunwales. “Top Predator” reduces both supply and demand. Over 10 years, that’s another $1 gazillion for free tampons.
– Climate change. What causes “climate change?” Why that’s simple. We’re told it’s people. So why do we allow more people on the planet? Once again, “Top Predator” reduces climate change by reducing the number of people. Kyoto Protocol my foot!
My “Top Predator” plank remains a strategic initiative that fixes everything. It even gets tactical and eliminates many specific threats. Consider this one.
– Plane crashes. It’s been awhile since Captain Sully performed a “water landing,” as the flight attendants say during their in-flight safety presentations. That was caused by geese, and since we can’t let hunters bring shotguns to the airport during goose season, we need to do something. These airport geese remain a threat right here on precious American soil and Obama hasn’t done a damn thing about them. “Top Predator” fixes that.
– Who is stupid enough to cross the border illegally to take your job or blow up a stadium if he’s going to wind up in the jaws of a puma? That’s two birds with one predator, and that reduces government spending. Take that INS and Homeland Security!
As you can see, there’s nothing that my “Top Predator” program can’t fix. Nothing. If you want to challenge me on that, feel free to use the space below. I eagerly await your questions, but even more important, maybe it’s not too late to run for office and I need volunteers who are willing to be my running mate. Just remember, you have to be at least 35-years-old, and born in the U.S.A. You don’t have to be a fast runner either, just fast enough. Please submit your birth certificate with your application so we can avoid that nasty after-birther mess again, along with a fifth of Gosling’s rum, a six-pack of Goya ginger beer and two limes.
America's Most Important Man! 
I enjoyed your discussion. I am a conservative feral hog predator. I might could bring other predators who are also conservative to help control geese. We would be very judicious in the use of powder and shot to save the taxpayers money. You can feel free to ask me to be your running mate or work in your administration in any capacity.